{justin plays this on the piano and it's always been one of my favorites of cold play}
broken hearts are a funny thing, ya know? it comes just like anything else in waves or stages. my life though, still went on. my world didnt stop spinning but my heart was indeed hurt. bitter. non-talk-about-it-numb were the waves i fought.
all those weeks leading up to thanksgiving, every night i would lay in bed and go over everything.
ever morsel of comments he made. comments i would reply back.
i was determined to not have this ruin the friendship that was at the heart of who we were.
suddenly, in a matter of me dropping my coat and purse on the floor, i stood up to a new look on his face. something that day on thanksgiving seemed to wipe everything out of its place. my friend was gone.
the phrase from cold plays the scientist...."oh take me back to the start" never rang more true as i cried myself to sleep on the many nights that followed.
i could handle us not being more then friends. i knew it was a big risk. but really, the tragedy wasn't the "what will never be".... the tragedy is the loss of what was. the friend.
the way i knew he would look at me or put his arm around me when i entered the room.
i have no idea why he volunteered to come with me that day. or why with friends the so called "joking/flirting" comments would come up of us possibly dating, justin with a straight look into my eyes would reply
"ask tierra just why were not dating".........."ummm HELLO because you never asked JUSTIN" is what i wanted to scream.
when he left my aunts house that november day, it was quick with his foots treading backwards as he yells ...."see ya later. I make two turns to get out of the neighbor hood right?" and with my nod he nods and gets in his car. that was it.
all through december and into january we didnt speak.
no phone calls. no texting. nothing....
though on december 12th i think it's funny how both of us in our different church wards, at the exact same time, were standing up at the pulpit to give talks in sacrament.
this past sunday, was the first time we saw each other. spoke words. hugged.
it felt, hard.
hard on so many levels that i had not planned for us to see each other at all that night.
i didnt feel like i was "ready."
this past sunday was our stake ysa get together. i had told several friends that i would be there but in the afternoon, another friend had called and asked if i wanted to come with her to go visit another friend. i thought "sure". i really didnt want to go the activity anyway, so off i went.
when seven o'clock came, my phone immediately started ringing from friends asking where i was and why i wasn't there yet to the activity. i decided to ignore them.
just as i was about to put my cell phone in my purse, it rang again. with a quick look, i nearly dropped my phone when i saw justin's picture staring at me as his number was ringing.
it's the picture i adore so much from his mission. i had added that picture to his number contact when i had bought the new phone. that picture has greeted me so many times last year when we would call each other to laugh and argue about twilight or his speeding tickets.
with the phone call though, i ignored it too.
then the texting started. with him telling me "just. get. here." and " I will, see you soon".
i knew though, that it had to happen sometime, so i might as well get it over with. i told my friend to just drop me off at the church building.
as soon as i walked into the cultural hall, everyone was sitting at a table and i was trying to make a straight beeline to an empty seat FAR from his end of the table..... he get's up and cuts my path and wraps his arms around me from the back and whispers..."it's been awhile" with a light squeeze.
i would be lying if i didn't say the thought to swing my purse at his head for that comment and say "AND YOU KNOW WHY!"
but i didnt.
as the night went on it was just plain, odd.
i knew he was looking at me, watching me speak to the other girls at my end of the table and me trying not to look his way.
every now and then he would try to jump in with a comment here or there but i manged to just switch subjects or pick up my cell phone or something in my purse. oh such am i a girl!
as the evening went on, i asked everyone if they wanted any water from the kitchen. as i got up and was headed to the door a familiar voice exclaims "i think i'm going to go spend sometime and help Tierra"....
in my mind with a heart racing I was screaming inside "NO! DO. NOT. FOLLOW. ME!"
he follows me with his "so justin like" grin and gets the door. straight into the hallway all the lights were off and he trys to make small talk. small talk a? i can do small talk, so small talk we do as if that cold November day was nothing but a blurr on our friendship radar.
he tells me he's planning on going back to Brazil in june and stay a month while i chat about being the new beehives leader and plan on going to visit friends in California. i have to admit, it was nice.
nice to hear his voice and watch the way he walks and note how taller he is then me.
it felt like i had my friend again. my old friend justin whom i adore.
but wait, my heart hurts. hurting as i try to keep telling myself that all those looks and comments and him grabbing my chin to look him straight in the eye to come dancing on thursday, don't mean anything.
just justin being him and charming his way. but nothing serious.
i am not the one for him. at least not in his eyes.
as we all started to get in our cars and me in my friend allisons who was taking me home, she parked next him. he tells me to come listen to some new songs he just knows i will love. in which i do. i laugh and tell him i better get a copy of those and try to get in the car. "wait, one more" he states and plays the Latino version of "stand by me" {see below}
i smile really big. that's always been a favorite song, and with the Hispanic flair, i adore it. he smiles back and says "i knew you would like that one"
i laugh and say "again, i better get a copy of that, maybe that could be a valentine gift to all of us girls" with a wink. he's says "no problem" with that sly smile back.
and just like that everything gets scraped under the rug. when i got home that night, i wondered "should i just let it be like that?" "let it all go?"
it's so very hard right now. how do you stop liking someone, have feelings for someone, who doesn't return them in anyway? someone with a quick charm of the mouth who can pour words of honey out so easily? i still think keeping a huge distance from him is my only way of getting over this.
like i said at the beginning, the tragedy is the loss of the friendship we had. i can never let it go back to that. i
know what i want though for him, and that is for him to find whatever it is he's searching for. i hope he will believe in himself more. and i hope he will continue to be that young man whom i admired the night of the church Halloween trunk or treat that was so tall and confident. whose eyes were so solid on things that really matter.
justin, if your reading this....just continue to be you. be that young man that always gives a firm handshake when someone enters the room that i've seen you do so many a time.
as for me, because of you, i will always be your friend and i will always, stand by you.
{the bachata, Spanish version of stand by me. the last song he played me this past sunday night}
all those weeks leading up to thanksgiving, every night i would lay in bed and go over everything.
ever morsel of comments he made. comments i would reply back.
i was determined to not have this ruin the friendship that was at the heart of who we were.
suddenly, in a matter of me dropping my coat and purse on the floor, i stood up to a new look on his face. something that day on thanksgiving seemed to wipe everything out of its place. my friend was gone.
the phrase from cold plays the scientist...."oh take me back to the start" never rang more true as i cried myself to sleep on the many nights that followed.
i could handle us not being more then friends. i knew it was a big risk. but really, the tragedy wasn't the "what will never be".... the tragedy is the loss of what was. the friend.
the way i knew he would look at me or put his arm around me when i entered the room.
i have no idea why he volunteered to come with me that day. or why with friends the so called "joking/flirting" comments would come up of us possibly dating, justin with a straight look into my eyes would reply
"ask tierra just why were not dating".........."ummm HELLO because you never asked JUSTIN" is what i wanted to scream.
when he left my aunts house that november day, it was quick with his foots treading backwards as he yells ...."see ya later. I make two turns to get out of the neighbor hood right?" and with my nod he nods and gets in his car. that was it.
all through december and into january we didnt speak.
no phone calls. no texting. nothing....
though on december 12th i think it's funny how both of us in our different church wards, at the exact same time, were standing up at the pulpit to give talks in sacrament.
this past sunday, was the first time we saw each other. spoke words. hugged.
it felt, hard.
hard on so many levels that i had not planned for us to see each other at all that night.
i didnt feel like i was "ready."
this past sunday was our stake ysa get together. i had told several friends that i would be there but in the afternoon, another friend had called and asked if i wanted to come with her to go visit another friend. i thought "sure". i really didnt want to go the activity anyway, so off i went.
when seven o'clock came, my phone immediately started ringing from friends asking where i was and why i wasn't there yet to the activity. i decided to ignore them.
just as i was about to put my cell phone in my purse, it rang again. with a quick look, i nearly dropped my phone when i saw justin's picture staring at me as his number was ringing.
with the phone call though, i ignored it too.
then the texting started. with him telling me "just. get. here." and " I will, see you soon".
i knew though, that it had to happen sometime, so i might as well get it over with. i told my friend to just drop me off at the church building.
as soon as i walked into the cultural hall, everyone was sitting at a table and i was trying to make a straight beeline to an empty seat FAR from his end of the table..... he get's up and cuts my path and wraps his arms around me from the back and whispers..."it's been awhile" with a light squeeze.
i would be lying if i didn't say the thought to swing my purse at his head for that comment and say "AND YOU KNOW WHY!"
but i didnt.
as the night went on it was just plain, odd.
i knew he was looking at me, watching me speak to the other girls at my end of the table and me trying not to look his way.
every now and then he would try to jump in with a comment here or there but i manged to just switch subjects or pick up my cell phone or something in my purse. oh such am i a girl!
as the evening went on, i asked everyone if they wanted any water from the kitchen. as i got up and was headed to the door a familiar voice exclaims "i think i'm going to go spend sometime and help Tierra"....
in my mind with a heart racing I was screaming inside "NO! DO. NOT. FOLLOW. ME!"
he follows me with his "so justin like" grin and gets the door. straight into the hallway all the lights were off and he trys to make small talk. small talk a? i can do small talk, so small talk we do as if that cold November day was nothing but a blurr on our friendship radar.
he tells me he's planning on going back to Brazil in june and stay a month while i chat about being the new beehives leader and plan on going to visit friends in California. i have to admit, it was nice.
nice to hear his voice and watch the way he walks and note how taller he is then me.
it felt like i had my friend again. my old friend justin whom i adore.
but wait, my heart hurts. hurting as i try to keep telling myself that all those looks and comments and him grabbing my chin to look him straight in the eye to come dancing on thursday, don't mean anything.
just justin being him and charming his way. but nothing serious.
i am not the one for him. at least not in his eyes.
as we all started to get in our cars and me in my friend allisons who was taking me home, she parked next him. he tells me to come listen to some new songs he just knows i will love. in which i do. i laugh and tell him i better get a copy of those and try to get in the car. "wait, one more" he states and plays the Latino version of "stand by me" {see below}
i smile really big. that's always been a favorite song, and with the Hispanic flair, i adore it. he smiles back and says "i knew you would like that one"
i laugh and say "again, i better get a copy of that, maybe that could be a valentine gift to all of us girls" with a wink. he's says "no problem" with that sly smile back.
and just like that everything gets scraped under the rug. when i got home that night, i wondered "should i just let it be like that?" "let it all go?"
it's so very hard right now. how do you stop liking someone, have feelings for someone, who doesn't return them in anyway? someone with a quick charm of the mouth who can pour words of honey out so easily? i still think keeping a huge distance from him is my only way of getting over this.
like i said at the beginning, the tragedy is the loss of the friendship we had. i can never let it go back to that. i
know what i want though for him, and that is for him to find whatever it is he's searching for. i hope he will believe in himself more. and i hope he will continue to be that young man whom i admired the night of the church Halloween trunk or treat that was so tall and confident. whose eyes were so solid on things that really matter.
justin, if your reading this....just continue to be you. be that young man that always gives a firm handshake when someone enters the room that i've seen you do so many a time.
as for me, because of you, i will always be your friend and i will always, stand by you.
{the bachata, Spanish version of stand by me. the last song he played me this past sunday night}
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