back to my november {part 1}

 

the day was thanksgiving day. the feeling was uncertainty. my happiness was of things that could come to be.
everyone has been asking me of what happened to the boy mentioned in this post.

justin, is his name.

some of you might remember this post. the night to where he grabbed me up to dance and it was just the two of us in the middle of  the floor with white chinese lanterns hanging from above. he dipped me that night.
it was truly one of the best nights and moments of my life.

for a moment, let me take you back. justin and i have known each other for a long time.  i'm smiling just thinking back to how both of us have stories of the first time we met and neither one of the stories are the same.

my version is that it was two months prior to him leaving on a mission for our church. he had just been called to serve in brazil and i thought that was so fascinating. a lot of my friends and i were at the home of justin's cousin and we were all up stairs getting ready to watch a movie. earlier that evening, we had all been at the YSA talent night at church where justin had just played the drums. that was my first time i remember seeing him. the boy who had played the drums was now sitting directly in front of me. i don't remember much of what was said except i remember telling him how i liked his playing and that i hoped he had a wonderful mission in brazil. that it must be exciting to leave to such a far a way place. i remember he was very tall with light brown/blond hair with alittle bit of a pudgy face. with the look of a little shy, maybe alittle unsure of himself but defiantly ready to leave and get out of town.

justins story, "verison" states back way longer then i ever thought and one that no matter how hard i try, i can't remember. he always likes to tell how i was the shortie 17 yr.old and he "already way taller" at 15, had asked me to dance at a youth church dance. that i was in  purple dress and we danced twice. it's funny, i remember that gosh awful purple dress ....{smiles}!

"THAT"...is how we met, he states.

When justin came back from his mission, i had NO idea the night of my ward chili dinner/trunk or treat in 2009 that the tall, very slender, verrrrrry attracted guy with his head held high and laughing smile was the same guy i set right in front of two years prior with the pudgy face. let alone, a guy that had asked me to dance when i was seventeen years old and could even tell you the color of my dress.

he was there that night as an invite from another mutual friend and was walking all around our cultural hall talking and  laughing.

and i, was watching him.

i still had no clue to who he was but attracted, i was, to this reaalllly tall, good looking young man.

2010 was a year for all of us to start getting together more often, me and my friends. slowly the story of who he was and me remembering the night of the boy who played drums came back to me.

after the summer, moments and comments being made between the two of us sent my head and my heart spinning on what could this possibly mean? nights......so many many nights of me up late with friends on the phone going over what was running in his mind and why he was making certain comments that made my heart leap that this.....this just might be something worth pursuing.

as thanksgiving was approaching and the cold chill of november was starting to form on the earth, he volunteered to come with me to my fathers side of the family thanksgiving dinner. i did not ask him.

as the day came and my mind went wondering if this meant anything at all, i was excited. hopeful. but yet, i was not going to push him. we were not a couple. i had not told my family that we were a couple nor had i presented ANY false idea that we could be to my family. he was simply a friend. a good friend. one whom i have come to really like and admire. i like his charm and his cut-to-the-point sarcasm in the way he handles situations. the way he handles questions in general to our church. i love the way he makes every girl feel like they matter, i included. i loved how when someone enters a room he doesn't know, he stands up and presents a firm handshake to introduce himself.

he did that the day we arrived at my families dinner.

but then, something horribly went wrong.

a twist of silence that came from him the moment we set down to eat  left me feeling crushed and bitter as he barely spoke ten words to me in my aunts home. the feeling in the air around the dinner table as if he wanted to bolt. to leave. to have nothing to do with me. i couldnt understand why? i hadnt done anything? i had not introduced him as a boyfriend or anything else for that matter! my mind was racing. i didnt eat any food. my heart was barely hanging on and i found myself pacing the house so not to make things worse if i was to go sit beside him.
he stayed for one hour and the silence was loud. so very loud. i was numb after that.

after that day, all the friends & cousins were wondering what happened? why wasn't i calling them immediately to let them know how it went? it took me almost two whole weeks after thanksgivng before i really told anyone. even my aunt whom i live with, didnt know until i could finally let it out without crying.
all this time since that november day, i, have been nursing a very broken, bitter heart.

the best way to describe everything now is, is through these lyrics...."The story of Us" by T. Swift

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say, "they're the lucky ones"
I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on
Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fall out
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now
Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me
Oh, we're scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone
In a crowded room

And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
Since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon.....


justin and i havent spoken or seen of each other since that dreadful thanksgiving day ......until this past sunday.