last night was a night i have lived at least a thousand times and over again. its the night i try so hard to press in the back of my mind and not let it out as much. and to be honest, it really doesn't happen that often anymore but lately and last night, it came like a dark shadow and i had to let it out. it's my mom. i want her back so badly sometimes. i need her. i need to hear her voice and i need to see her hands. there's something so powerful and yet so soft of a mothers hands don't you think? those hands have helped you in every shape of your life and when their gone, and you can't see them, feel them, my heart just breaks in want to see them again. when these nights come, i relive in my mind her death all over again. i see those moments likes silent steels running through me and i can do nothing but cry it all out as loud as i can. i see the moment the doctor knelt in front of me and was listing all the things he tried to do to bring her back. i see my cousins whom i love so much and their own hearts breaking while coming up to me in that stale hospital lighted hallway and tears streaming down their faces and shaking their heads no.and then the worst memories of them all come. the ones to where i see her in the hospital room all by myself and i put my hand under her neck to hold her and she was still warm. and warm to me said alive. i wanted to shake her to wake back up. pleading with her to please just open her eyes. the most heart stopping moment, the one to which still takes my breath away is the memory of standing at her casket in the relief society room at my church building just shortly before the funeral started. i was standing there and i has just placed my favorite temple handkerchief in her hands. that was my mom, and the seconds were ticking away to where i would never see her face or hold hands ever again in this lifetime and i was holding her hand for dear life. i remember my bishop coming up to me and whispering it was time to close the casket. i panicked and nodded that i needed just a few more minutes. with that, my tears were just pouring, i leaned down and told her i loved her and that i was still and always would be her little girl and kissed her forehead. all the while holding firm to her hand. letting go was so final. so painfully hard that you will never understand until this time comes. i remember i sat down on one of the chairs in that room as my aunt and the bishop prepared and closed the lid to her casket. it's funny, that room was full of so much family waiting to proceed into the hallway for the funeral line but yet i remember being alone. sitting alone.
my life right now is still going just fine. i have my work and my family and friends and a weekend off ahead of me. i think to all the good things in this life heavenly father has blessed me with. given to me and my family and i can't help but feel special. that i have had all of this come at me and yet life still went on. after i cried all last night i could feel my moms love. i knew she was with me last night and no one can take that away from me. i know that i will have more nights like this in the future. grieving it not something to just do and check it off on a check list. it will always be with me. so i say whatever is happening in your life, don't be afraid to grieve. don't be afraid of letting yourself ride through the darkness. life does move on. the morning still comes and you will find that standing alone and facing it, will be the best life teaching moment you will give yourself.
